i feel lost lately. obviously not physically, i’m very much at home, on my couch. but mentally? i could not find myself with a flashlight and a map right now. who even *am* i? couldn’t tell you. what do i like to do? no freaking clue. what do i *want* to do? absolutely nothing. i don’t know what this is, what i’m experiencing, but i know i can’t be alone.
i have no motivation to do anything but i know something needs to be done. i want a hobby i’m truly passionate about. i want to do something that creates a little side hustle for myself. i want to be good at something, but i have no idea what that it is. what if it’s nothing? what if i’m not good at anything? i’m 32, i should be good at something by now.
i feel like i’m constantly in a rut, what does that say about me? not to only talk about myself or anything, but, it’s one of the things that consumes my mind at all times so i’m going to write about it. i know i have to get myself out of this spot that i’m in, but i simply can’t right now. i have no energy, no motivation, no drive.
i think one of the worst side-effects of whatever this is is that i keep think if i have a freaking BABY everything will be okay. excuse me, what? on what planet does bored + no motivation = HAVE A FREAKING BABY. so, needless to say, this is obnoxious and i’d like to rid myself of it as soon as possible. i don’t want to think motherhood is the answer to my “problems”. i know it’s a goal, one of the few i actually have, but it’s not a thing to need right now. stop taking crazy pills, tina.
i think one of the things i’m going to try is to write. i know, i know. but tina, you always think this is going to solve your problems and has it? well, have i really ever tried? there’s one more goal. we’re up to two! go us! i’m also going to treat this as if i have an audience, which we both (me and myself) know i don’t have, but that’s how i like to speak. more passive, to a group. what will i write about? perhaps the things i’d write on facebook if people actually believed in science. maybe a little bit about things american history (boring), serial killers (interesting), or celebs (i am a basic bitch at heart).
which me luck. hopefully i’ll be back tomorrow and not just drop this here like a fool and never return. we shall see.
the beenut gallery 