what to say

I genuinely have no idea what to write, I just have this desire to write. I can write about what is going on in the US or around the world; maybe I can write about the only thing I truly know: myself. Who knows, because honestly? I don’t; I just want to write. I find it funny that I have nothing going on, barely any original thoughts, and yet my brain keeps saying “write it all down!” Write what, exactly?? I can hardly remember my childhood and growing up, I have almost no memories of my 20s, and here I am, 31 and absolutely clueless.

The few thoughts I have lately revolve around money (anyone have extra laying around?), school (yep, still trying to get that degree), and the impending doom that nothing I do actually matters in the grand scheme of things. Should I have kids? If so, when the heck is that going to happen? Will I ever feel content or happy? Will having kids make me happy? Is this pandemic ever going to end? Did I really just lose an entire year of life? Am I less of a person because I accomplished absolutely nothing during this last year? What are things that I “like’? Who am I? What am I doing?

I have never really known who I was, which sounds like a strange statement to make, but it’s true. I spent so much of my life caring for others that I never really learned about myself. I don’t like failing so I barely tried. I don’t like being wrong so I barely spoke. And now here I am a whole ass adult with absolutely no clue what the hell I’m doing. I’m not a psychologist (yet) but I definitely have a case of imposter syndrome.

I’ve been joking since I was 20 that I was experiencing a quarter life crisis, but is it possible that my QLC has lasted over a decade? Am I the only one with an existential crisis that doesn’t seem to end? Even if there are other people out there who feel like me, is there anything we can even do? I’m hopeful that I’ll feel better. I’m hopeful I will finally finish this degree and possibly be proud of myself for five minutes. I’m grateful for where I am and for the support I get. We’ll just have to see where this goes for now.